Sorry!

Today mark the day that I must admit I was wrong. The way I treated others was wrong, the way my egoism make things complicated and I am the cause of the break of Tomo (ok! I am the cause of it).

I have read a book, The Magic Of Thinking BIG written by David J. Svhwartz, Ph.D and he said in order to think big, we shall Grow the Action Habit. And in order to grow the action habit, I shall practice these summarised key points:

1. Be an activationist

2. Don't wait until conditions are perfect. They never will be. 

3. Remember, ideas alone won't bring success

4. Use action to cure fear and gain confidence.

5. Start you mental engine mechanically.

6. Think in term of now.  

7. Get down to business

8. Seize the initiative

So now, I am gonna take this initiative right now! I have been a coward, hiding in a comfort zone thinking is all about being good for MYSELF instead of Tomo, and I know being hurt wasn't a great thing to feel it. I know I hurt them, of me being selfish and ego, I ruined the whole friendship and I have never take the initiative to amend it. I have lots of opportunity to mend it but with my egoism, I just leave it. Just like what the book said don't wait until conditions are perfect, coz they never will be, and it's true, our friendship getting awkward and I never have the courage to mend it anymore. I know I hurt not one but four of them, and you know what there is always no reason to hurt people because nobody is perfect in this world and I should accept human differences and limitations instead of writing some criticism in an open space that hurt them.

I wasn't good in talking serious matter in public and every apology words were in my mind and I know I should use action to cure fear and gain confidence to make thing better but I just couldn't do it. BUT I AM NOT GONNA WAIT ANYMORE, AND I SHOULD AMEND THIS RIGHT NOW!

This is a letter to my fellow besties Tomo5achi. 

Hello Tomo, 

It's been awhile since I really mentioned about this name, Tomo. I have always avoiding the name so that I wouldn't feel sad and sorry for myself, and you can see how selfish I am right? I bet all of you might not be able to realise this letter until someday you all start to think of reading my blog again but I just want to apologise publicly since I have wrote that criticism post (which has been deleted long time ago) toward you all 1.5 years ago.

Wow! I never realised we have not really talk for almost a year. Think about it, this was really quite long, we see each other occasionally in someone wedding but we rarely just talk heart-to-heart anymore and I know it is all my fault. I knew 4 of you have your own small gathering frequently and I tell you I seriously envious about it but my egoism told me not to do so. This is how coward I am, avoiding every single thing that will make me feel sad or envious. I don't really know what to do about it but I just want you all to know that I wish to go mend everything but I just don't know how to start. It has been spinning in my mind like thousand time, but I just couldn't say out and I feel hitting myself badly! (Often feel this way when there is a celebration such as today is birthday celebration day)

I remembered there is one time, like FINALLY I have been invited to bubble tea gathering, I was really happy coz finally I am being invited and you know what? It's rain heavily that day! We have no place to have a chat and one of you have suggested to go my house but I wasn't ready to show my house because my cousin's dog messed up the whole place and is very stinky to let you all in my house. I am sorry but I feel guilty until today. I wanted amend thing that day but again my cowardliness stop me. I should just read this book and mend thing that day. From that day onward, no more gathering already and I felt so sad!

There is another incidence whereby one of you got appendicitis and I guess everyone gone to visit except me. I wasn't ready to pay a visit because I have no idea what we shall about. Are you okay? Okay.. then mmmm... I think a lot but also my fault of not pay visit on this, and I have no reason for this! So Is all my fault. I am not getting sympathy, so nope, don't ever feel sympathy at all, is my fault. And there is one time travelling to Melbourne, I guess I have done something bad (?) that make the situation awkward? I have no idea what this had happened seriously, please tell me. I don't want to be hidden by some story behind that bother you all for so long. I need to explain every doubt that I have caused. Please let me know!!!

Dear Tomo, I am really sorry that I didn't take initiative to mend everything and I should do this.

Please if you have read this, I would like to invite you all to have a gathering for celebration or anything.  I just want to talk about it and I don't feel like being like this anymore. There is something that I need to clarify about with you all, I just wish you all see this and I am sincerely inviting for a gathering. 

And you all probably will think why on earth I did this in public instead of just a WhatsApp message or call will do, to be honest, I have try to think to invite using WhatsApp but the more I think about the consequences of being reject fear me from doing so. I hate rejection and I don't want it to happened during face-to-face, childish right? I know and I will correct my attitude for all these. I am sorry if I bother everyone of you on this! Writing this I probably can avoid some awkward situation whereby I being reject or something. I know this is not a good way but I sincerely thank you for my weird action.

I am sorry and thank you for tolerating me for so long.

Your sincerely,

Lydia