I am quite a reading person these days.
Reading quite a lot of self-help books and here come the thought from one of the book I read "Courage to be dislike" from Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. This is the book that I had mentioned it in my previously entry.
Competing is very terrifying, people will never be happy when they are competing with others. In this book, it mentioned "Even if you are not a loser, even if you are someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who has placed himself/herself in competition, you will never have a moment's peace" "I can't celebrate others happiness with all my heart" and etc. I am totally agree with it and I was in that position before I admit and I guess everyone in that situation before as well.
Trying to be the best of all was a big deal back then, and I used to be this low self-esteem people in everywhere (although I am still low self-esteem now) that invisible is the perfect state of mind for me. I don't social much and I get really nervous whenever I talked to someone. Yeah! Some of you might say are you serious about this? (Different people has different perspective) You know what? My mom used to go to the school for some teacher-parents day, and teachers used to say that I am very quiet, don't speak much and etc. And my mom of course doubted all the time because I am noisiest among the sibling and I talked super a lot at home. In my own context (self-dictionary), low self-esteem people used to talk a lot in their familiar environment, people, friends and etc, and they always feel inferiority than others. (You may find a real dictionary explanation if you want, oxford is always there. Teehee.) I don't used to talk a lot if I am very unfamiliar with the places, people and people used to think why am I so weird.
Oh please! You will never understand what low self-esteem people think of [aha! This is what the so called inferiority complex taught about (you will get it when you read the book)]. I used to think people don't understand what I want and in fact I guess I am the one who don't know what I should tell them. The thing is I will always talk to someone that will know me better. Is that a bad or good thing? I went to this training (influential training), the trainer said I am a person who can influence people but I choose who to talk with. BINGO! I choose who to talk to, what to talk to, when should I talk. Sound scary huh!?
So speaking of competition, people who feel inferiority than others will tend to compete with others and try to be the others. As I said I was in the position before, and I used to compete with everyone and I realised one thing that are bad about this is that I used to be very satisfied when I am better than others. Just think about it, who's care about it? If you are better than others, so what?
I am this childish that being better than others was more than what my feeling of superiority get into me. Feeling inferiority was not as bad as inferiority complex which will cause feeling superiority (ok! too philosophy!). In my own context, I feel when you are in super low self-esteem, you tend to compete with others, and when you are better than others (i.e. win others), you will feel superior than others and starts to feel you are higher/classy than others or even others tend to try to follow you all the way.
Nah! This is impossible. NO ONE CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU HAD AND WHAT YOU DO AT ALL! All this possibility of people care about you, follow you are what you imagine and not the real thing that could happen. So now, I started to be myself, boost up my self-esteem, try to be as confident as possible. I try to treat myself better, live a work-life balance life, go to yoga center and fit up myself (although I probably went like 5 times after signing up), read self-help book and etc. Trying to be the life that is good for my own and not because under others' expectation or whoever wants me to get into it. No! We can't live the life of others' expectation but a life you are worth living in.
Life goes on as what I always say. We don't stop live if we meet some problem in our life.
And on the side note, you need to truly happy on what you do and what you had. People with big smiley face doesn't mean that they are happy such as Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. There is no symptoms of depression for everyone, and the people close to them did not realise what had happened to them at all, hence what I want to say is being fakingly positive is a big NO and you need to be truly 100% happy for everything in life. If not SPEAK OUT to someone you are trusted or someone you want to talk to or WRITE IT DOWN to release your anger or do whatever to release all the depression. By doing so, things will be different, different perspective and ways in solving problem instead of ending your life.
Competition could be terrifying by misusing it, but a friendly one is all good.
I love you
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
xoxo
Lydia
This was written without proofing and grammar mistakes are all over the place, please forgive me :)
